Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
You Might Also Like
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Guys, I found it.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Bread puns are on the rise!
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.