her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
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When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
i think my razor is having a panic attack
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…