Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
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I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*