I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
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Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.