My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
You Might Also Like
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
😂😂
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Solving a traffic jam
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen