If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
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Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early