5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
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“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*