Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
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I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.