Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
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I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation