Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
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*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Stop sending me this shit.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003