Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
You Might Also Like
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.