I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
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SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Great game to play with friends
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?