I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
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At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Pikachu found the lost joint
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.