I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
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My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
best first i’ve ever seen
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming