My dad teaching me to drive
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*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Happy Friday
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.