“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
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they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows