8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
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“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Fluff me with a fork baby
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…