Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
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Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Twitter is an abusement park.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
This a good idea
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized