I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
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I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.