i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
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“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Thank you corporation very cool
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs