What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
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Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk