Just in case to be clear #gbbo
You Might Also Like
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood