Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
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[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.