My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
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Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.