Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
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Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed