Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
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Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing