If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
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what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Its true…
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]