Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
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Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go