Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
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really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Ain’t no way
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees