Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
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millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
fr
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.