First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
You Might Also Like
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.