Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
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Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.