a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
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me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.