after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
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i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.