Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
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waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
nice challenge
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Ah..makes sense now
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”