Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
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Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That鈥檇 be terrible for you.
4: Mom鈥檚 not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she鈥檚 looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Everybody鈥檚 gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Now they’ll never find me…馃槀馃槒馃惢
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they鈥檙e arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they鈥檙e going to leave a mess
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you鈥檙e wearing a bra.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don鈥檛 need vacation to feel that way