I put the “pro” in inappropriate
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my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
me: my friends:
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!