These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
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Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.