If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
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KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.