[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
You Might Also Like
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.