Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
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Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?