OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
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me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
who did the taste test?
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.