Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
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Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!