Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
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I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Happy Friday
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.