I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
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I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.