doctor: i鈥檓 afraid you鈥檙e dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 馃檨
doctor: but we鈥檒l treat you asbestos we can.
me: 馃槀
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I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they鈥檙e usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
[the middle of showering] I need a break
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Let鈥檚 get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it鈥檚 a long story, Bush鈥檚 Country Style Baked Beans
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We鈥檒l see. I don鈥檛 know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 馃幎
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 馃泚
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don鈥檛 know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.