Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
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I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
🛁
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately