Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
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Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Fries, not lies.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.