Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
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My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.