if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
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Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Meat Cute
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help